Due to the amount of my abduction experiences I can only give a brief impression about the things that have happened throughout my life and still continue to do so. I hope that my testimony may be valuable to someone out there and can provide help for those who find themselves in a similar situation.
The Turning Point
At the age of 15, I have been confronted with the „secret life“ I presumably had been leading since I was born, without my conscious mind ever noticing it. School vacation had just begun at the time of Pentecost in 1996, but I couldn’t quite enjoy my free time as a result of several nocturnal occurrences which had left me in deep confusion about their nature. I couldn’t refer to them as mere dreams as they seemed absolutely realistic to me, like they had actually taken place the during the night. One of these occurrences had a high emotional impact on me. I remember how I got up at night, following an inner compulsion to leave my bedroom. It was a very strange action because I actually did not want to leave the room; I even was afraid to do so. And yet I had to go, as if I was acting in some kind of trance, and my thinking processes had been narrowed down in some way.
The corridor in front of my room lay in complete darkness. I never liked this part of the apartment because it has always played an important role in most of my experiences. I could clearly feel the presence of something or somebody and took a few steps into the darkness without exactly knowing where I wanted to go, still following my inner compulsion. The whole atmosphere in the apartment seemed to be somewhat tensed and electrified. My panic grew even more to a point where my teeth literally chattered. I reached out my hands to feel my way through the corridor and suddenly bumped into a figure which must have been standing there, waiting for my arrival. It seemed to be small, not as tall as I used to be during that time, perhaps 140 centimeters. It gently grabbed my hand and guided me down the corridor. At this point, my memories became blurred and I couldn’t tell what had happened next and i awoke some time in the morning. Yet this event seemed so realistic as if it had really taken place. Of course, I couldn’t accept this idea and thought that it must have been a vivid dream.
At the end of the week, I had another dream which stimulated a very intense flashback. In this dream, I found myself in the apartment at some point around dawn. I entered the kitchen and looked at the clock on the microwave oven to find out which time it was. After that, I made my way through the corridor and went into my room. The following sight gave me the creeps as everything seemed in a complete mess. I thought to myself: What the hell happened in here? Somebody must have disarranged all the furniture! Suddenly I heard the banging of the room door. As I turned around to see what had happened, I only saw a Gray being running right towards me. He made a dash at me and we both hit the floor, struggling together. I didn’t know what he wanted to achieve with this action and only tried to fight him off. Blackout. Today I think that it was only a dream, but in some elements it may have been stimulated by real events which had been repressed in my subconscious. But something about it lead to the following flashback:
I awoke in the morning and made my way into the kitchen to throw something into the dust-bin. Just as I opened the bin, my eyes took a glance at the clock on the microwave oven…
I was standing at the top end of the corridor, just beside my room. The night was lit by a bluish light which entered our apartment from the windows outside. All of the doors seemed to be open, except for the main door. There were two Gray beings standing right beside me. I could clearly perceive them as the blue light shone brightly enough to make me see plenty of our surrounding. Each of them held me by the hand and they guided me down the corridor. As we passed the kitchen door, I could see other Grays moving inside the kitchen and the adjacent dining room. We finally reached my parents’ bedroom. The doors were open, too, and there also seemed to be three or four Greys inside. Apparently, we were moving further down towards the end of the corridor.
– End of flashback –
I was standing in the kitchen, startled. I had never experienced something like that before. The flashback had almost been as realistic as any other experience. I had been completely sucked in and immersed into this piece of memory, like reliving this incident for a second time. Astonishingly enough, it reminded me of the “dream” which I had described above. It was very weird: Although this was the first time I consciously remembered this episode, I had a feeling of familiarity and I instantly knew that this had happened many times before – walking down the corridor with these beings by my side and the bluish light – but I didn’t knew where this knowledge came from. It was like: „How could i ever forget that?“ And i consciously searched through my past.
From this day, more and more memories started to get out of my subconscious which illuminated the existence of my “secret life”. Since then, everything has changed – this day had been the turning point of my life.
One particular aspect consisted in the recovery of suppressed memories in the years to follow. Imagine that you have experienced or witnessed an important event in your past, but forgot about it immediately. It would seem that this event had never existed – and yet it has some kind of impact, an uncertain influence on your personal life as it still exists somewhere deep in your subconscious. One day, something happens that triggers feelings and emotions which can be strong enough to bring back these memories. Suddenly you stumble over them, and you wonder once again: „How could I ever forget it?“ You knew that they have always existed, since you had witnessed these events years ago, but they just couldn’t reach you – or something has prevented them to get noticed. I soon found out that there were plenty of these memories, just waiting to be discovered.
There are some things which I have discovered or witnessed earlier, but I didn’t seem to be able to integrate them fully into my life since I only caught a glimpse of something I didn’t really understand. It was only after my adolescence that I could finally relate them to the abduction phenomenon. I’ve got memories from my earliest childhood which are dominated by the fear of something that would happen at night, which involved figures stepping into my bedroom. For me, they were like little men. These experiences must have started at an early age, when I was approximately 3 or 4 years old, and accompanied my life until adolescence. Usually, the room would fill with a particular atmosphere, followed by the sound of footsteps drawing near from the corridor and entering.
During all childhood, I was afraid of the dark. I often used to cover myself with my blanket so tightly to avoid that no body part would be reachable for someone who might be there in the shadows. Sometimes I accidentally fell out of bed as I was still small and could not coordinate my movements properly. It was pure horror. I had lost my precious protection and did not dare to move because I feared that somebody might come out of the darkness. On one occasion, I heard the familiar footsteps and immediately knew that “they” were coming again. They entered the bedroom. At first, i could only see their feet and lower bodies from my perspective, lying on the floor with a big chair between us and trying to hide under my blanket. As they approached, it was like they uttered confusion and amusement to find me at this position. Then they came and grabbed at me. I usually lost memory at that point.
They seemed to come in two by two in earlier times, at later times they were always three. I always had the same familiar feeling about them and they acted like knowing me too. One of them acted more predominant and was the first one to enter. I feared and hated “him” because he acted more pushy while the other ones stood more in the background.
Sometimes they entered the room, and I just did not dare to open my eyes, lying completely still. I could hear their movements in the room, and soon they were approaching my bed, grabbing at me. Although my memories were somewhat blurred, I soon began to realize that I had experienced much more visitations with the figures acting way pushier as i grew older and started fighting them off physically.
Again, it was due to a flashback that I began to uncover the missing pieces. Me and my brother had a playful struggle and I hid underneath my blanket. From this position, I began to kick him with my feet. At that particular moment, the flashback started to burst out of my subconscious. Piece by piece, the memories started to fade in again. I remembered the familiar atmosphere which would fill the whole apartment, accompanied by an eerie silence through which I could clearly perceive the sound of my tinnitus. In the majority of cases, I awoke to the sound of heavy footsteps which were banging on the floor. It seemed as if several people quickly ran through the corridor, heading towards my room. There were only a few moments left until they would arrive. Paradoxically, I “knew” what they were and what they were going to do since it had happened many times before. My usual reaction was to quickly pull up the blanket in order to hide myself from their view. There were many other variations or strategies through which I desperately tried to achieve that they wouldn’t see me. For instance, I would throw myself to the other side of the bed, face against the ceiling. I didn’t want to see them or be next to them. As I have stated before, I had to be very quick since they were moving very fast. It happened quite often that it was too late for any possible action. In that case, I just played dead – I closed my eyes and tried not to move, hoping that they wouldn’t notice me and just go away after a while. Sometimes they had just entered the room while I was performing a movement. I then grew stiff and hoped that they wouldn’t become aware of me, but at the same time, I knew that my efforts were hopeless, since I was the object of interest. As I was still able to move, I sometimes kicked them with my feet (that’s why the flashback occurred) and was very persistent in doing so. I considered it to be a matter of life and death because I knew what would happen next. They would take me with them, and it would be terrifying. I remember a certain surrounding: A yellowish light with a slight shade of orange and a table where I had to lie down. I was naked and had to do what they want. It had something to do with my body, but I don’t remember any details. I didn’t want to go with them! Therefore, defending myself seemed to be the best solution. Actually, I didn’t have the option to react differently, since my fear automatically took control over my body functions. The behaviour of the beingsmade the whole situation even worse by behaving in strange ways.
They usually came as a group of three, and the predominant one often seemed to „talk“ to me when it entered the room. I had the impression that it didn’t like my reactions. It was the first to enter the room and to step in front of my bed. They then would grab at me or try to pull the blanket aside. I don’t quite understand why I could still move and defend myself. At least they seemed to have a few problems and couldn’t manage to touch me because i really learned to barricade myself under the blanket. I kicked at their hands and tried to hold the blanket real tight so they couldn’t get through or pull it away. There were short breaks and then they suddenly started to pull from another point or from different angles together. This was so teerifying and eerie, i can clearly remember it to this day. This fight could last for minutes so I soon i ran out of air and it would get very hot underneath the blanket. I really gasped for breath and was in danger to lose consciousness. In some of the cases, they just seemed to wait until I was exhausted. They then did something which caused a black out, and as my consciousness faded, it was a real relief not to experience this kind of fear any longer.
Thus, my “struggles for life” left a form of trauma upon me, and it’s sometimes still difficult to deal with the memories. I was a child of maybe five or six when things started to worsen, and these visitations seemed to last about three or four years. During this time, my personality altered noticeable. I became very shy and was afraid to talk to other people. I secluded myself from the world outside, and the loneliness became my shelter. My parents often wondered why I had changed that drastically. I have to mention that I had a loving, non-abusive home and childhood. Even though I couldn’t talk about my experiences with my parents, I had a kind of emotional backup which helped me to get along.
If I had the chance to recover my memories with the aid of hypnosis, this would be the place to start because it had the strongest impact upon my personality. I only know that these kind of experiences happened very often, and I was still a child whose soul had been deeply affected. This is something I still take amiss. I even cannot remember their outer appearance clearly. They had a similar build like the Grays, but seemed somewhat slimmer, a little bit taller.
At least, this episode had come to an end. The abduction process seemed to evolve with time and there seemed to be a break until i entered adolescence.
The discovery of my suppressed experiences was in many ways like opening a door. In the years and months following the incident at Pentecost, I became more and more sensitive towards my ongoing abductions. My ability to remember the details of a nightly visitation had increased. Whenever an abduction occurred, I tried to write its content down. In most of the cases, I have been forced to leave my room in the same trance-like state which I have mentioned earlier. I was acting against my will, as if I had been programmed like a robot to perform a certain task.
Often, I didn’t seem to be conscious during these actions. I was strongly immersed in this shifted consciousness and my cognitive functions were disabled during that time, almost like a sleepwalker. On several occasions, I was aware of my surrounding and could manage to reactivate consciousness to a certain degree, but my capacity to act was still restricted, and so I wasn’t able to run away, even if I wanted to. It seemed as if there were various degrees or intensities of this peculiar state of mind, and they were able to control and modify it so the result would fit their need.
However, it happened that I managed to gain control over my body functions and could resist this inner compulsion. They didn’t seem to be enthusiastic about that and were quickly reacting to regain control. For example, I simply returned to my room when I was about to step into the corridor. It was a very arduous act, almost like striving against an invisible resistance or force field. After that, some of the Grays were running into the room and I lost consciousness, my body simply fainted. It seemed as if my muscles had slackened. At another time, I managed to run a few steps away when we were standing in the corridor. They then ran after me and again, my body fell on the floor and I blacked out.
In most of the cases, they didn’t seem to come into my room. They were waiting outside until I would step into the corridor, and then we went through the apartment together. At first, I didn’t know where our journey ended since my memories were only fragmentarily. We were always walking through the corridor, towards the living room and the balcony. I had a few memories of standing on our balcony at night. I was wearing my pair of pyjamas, and it was cold outside. There was a bright, white, oblong object flying over the hills in the distance. Later I found out that our destination was indeed the balcony.
On several occasions, they didn’t seem to be present in a physical state, but I could clearly sense them and knew they were about to appear. I would left my room, as always, but they weren’t yet there. It happened that I walked through our apartment during that time or even sat down somewhere, very dizzy and fearful. Then something would take place or my memories became blurry. In one experience, I was walking through the living room, turned and tried to return to my bedroom when something seemed to run up from behind and jump at me. I could only see a light blue “flash”, and then I blacked out.
In spite of all these things, I didn’t want to believe that I could indeed be an abductee. I tried to suppress these kind of experiences and often was engaged in finding rational explanations. Eventually, I repressed the whole matter and therefore was often feeling miserable and depressed. No matter what I did, the experiences didn’t cease to manifest into my life.
One day, I realized that I couldn’t go on just like that. I got access to the Internet and decided to search for other people who might have experienced something similar. By “accident”, I found another abductee, and soon we were sharing our experiences and views on the abduction phenomenon regularly via instant messenger. I also stumbled across several websites which propagated the importance of free will. These articles literally set off an avalanche. I rebelled against “them” and didn’t want to be deceived any longer. I hadn’t given them the permission to step into my life and to take me with them! For the first time in my life, I consciously accepted their existence, but at the same time, I didn’t want them to manifest in my life any longer. I made them responsible for the crap that had happened in my life, for the many experiences which had affected my personality and thus had made me feel different from other people, causing isolation. I just wanted to lead a normal life. I started to turn my life upside down and therefore managed to establish many positive changes. One of the first steps was to come out of my closet – I have been attracted to men for many years, but I had always suppressed this fact. I started to work out and grew in confidence. Finally, I met my first boyfriend. I had the impression that I was stronger than “them” and had won the battle. But “they” had something to show me – when I spent the first night at my boyfriend’s home, I awoke at nightand there was a tall black figure standing in the room, almost like a shadow. It was standing there for a few seconds and then seemed to move towards the bed. I wanted to resist its approach, but felt helpless at the same time and blacked out. In the following weeks, I felt mentally exhausted, and my physical strength seemed to be gone. I later came to the conclusion that it might have been some kind of message. It was like they were saying: “You cannot fight us.” Instead of considering myself as a victim, I rather accepted them as a part of my life – and finally fully accepted myself, too. I buried the hatchet and tried to learn something from the whole situation that would be usable and maybe also enriching for my further life. In doing so, I have learned many things about myself and the world around me. Eventually, my experiences have shaped my personality and the way I look at the world. These were features which I couldn’t suppress any longer.
After the experiences during adolescence, a “break” of three years occurred during which i noticed no activity. Along with the ongoing changes in my life, the beings seemed to reappear. The incident in my boyfriend’s room was just the beginning of a few upcoming nightly visitations. For instance, I “dreamed” about communicating with a Gray. He was standing towards me, and the surrounding was a blur white backdrop without any details. The Gray told me that I had to stay calm and to remain asleep. I was somehow suspicious of the whole situation and answered that I would like to get up. He repeated his first statement and said that he would prevent me from getting up. But I didn’t want to submit to his will, and suddenly woke up in my bed. The first thing that I perceived was the palm of a hand which had been placed in the middle of my face, pushing my head against the pillow! At first, I wasn’t quite able to move, but I reacted quickly by intuitionally moving my head to the opposite direction. The hand reacted by pushing even harder, but my jerky movement seemed to fill “it” with surprise. The hand was pulled back, and I gained control of my bodily functions. I spent a few minutes hiding underneath my blanket and finally dared to take a look at my room, but there was nobody in there.
In the late summer of 2002, I consciously witnessed the beginning of an abduction. I got very tired and thus went to bed, although it was still early (at least in my opinion, since it was Saturday night). At that time, I used to fall asleep to the sound of my headphones. It was an efficient way to create a pleasant atmosphere and had helped me many times to drift off for sleep, but eventually grew to a bad habit. Due to my extreme fatigue, I turned the CD-player off after a few minutes. I rapidly fell asleep. After what seemed only a few minutes, I quickly rose out of sleep to find myself paralysed in bed. However, I knew this condition from some former nightly experiences and therefore thought that I was suffering a sleep paralysis. Many times before I had wondered what I should do in order to master this situation – whether sleep paralysis or alien abduction. Back then, I had come to the conclusion that it would be best to focus on a particular part of the body and try to move it in order to break the paralysis. And so I did. I focused on my arm and arduously managed to reactivate it. I felt some kind of presence, as if somebody was standing in my room, but I wasn’t quite sure about it because I couldn’t oversee the room from my actual position. I hoped that if it was an alien abduction, “they” would simply run away when they would notice that I broke paralysis. I had read that it may be an efficient strategy to beat them off. I finally managed to lift my hand and to push the light switch of the little reading lamp just above my bed – but nothing happened.
Suddenly, there was a slight change in consciousness. I could immediately move my body, but something was different. It seemed as if something had taken over and now was in control of my entire being. I got out of bed and almost ran out of my room. When I entered the living-room, I seemed to regain a bit more of my consciousness. I (or them?) slowed down the movement of my body, but still, I couldn’t take control of the whole situation. I was merely a observer and couldn’t interfere to prevent my body from walking. The only thing I could do was to abuse “them”. A tall Gray being stood motionless at the opposite end of the living room. I had to pass it by and could clearly perceive it. There didn’t seem to be any reaction whatsoever. I could sense the familiar atmosphere which usually accompanied their visits and now covered the whole apartment. I was shaking with fear as my body moved on to step out on the balcony. Since it was summer, my parents had left the balcony door ajar. I was surprised to see that somebody must have opened the sun-blind which had previously covered the entrance to the balcony. As I was standing on the balcony, I felt a sudden dazedness and seemed to black out. My consciousness started to fade and my head was swimming. I had to lean against the banister to keep me from falling to the floor. However, I could cast a glance at our neighbourhood which completely lay in darkness. There didn’t seem to be any light, neither from the adjacent flats nor from the street lamps (it was about 2:30 am). I didn’t see anything unusual in the sky. Till this day, I don’t know exactly what has happened back then. I only remember standing at the banister for some time. Suddenly, there was some kind of interruption and I returned to the apartment, feeling slightly better now. Today I think that something must have happened during that time. On the way back to my room, I passed another tall Grey who stood motionless at the bottom end of the corridor. Finally, they put me to bed and had to assist me so that I could lay down properly. During this action, I tried to turn on the light once again, but the switch still didn’t react to my efforts. I threatened to black out again, but tried to resist as best as I could. I seemed to nod off, but quickly arose from my sleep, still unable to move. After a short while, I heard people walking on the street. The paralysis now was gone. Still agitated from the event that had taken place a few minutes ago, I raised my hand and pushed the light switch – it worked! Since I had looked at the clock before I went to bed, I have estimated that the whole incident lasted about 30 minutes. After this event, my abductions began to decrease in number again.
In december 2002, I got a visit from a hooded being which wore some kind of cowl. It seemed as if it had manipulated the whole scene in order to keep me under control or to amplify its impact upon me. I know that we were standing in the corridor, but the being somewhat had modified the appearance of our surrounding. It seemed like I had been brought under control, too, and therefore was forced to stand there, unable to move and feeling dizzy. We were surrounded by a pitch-black darkness, and the being was standing several footsteps away from me. Paradoxically, it was illuminated as if it was standing in plain daylight, its outlines were rather distinguishable from the surrounding blackness.
The being began to talk to me, but I don’t remember the words. Its face was covered by the hood, and there was only a black hole left. However, I had the feeling that it might be of a Grayish nature, and it seemed to send me a picture which was indicating that there was some kind of Gray underneath the clothing. The cowl was of red colour (with a colouring between dark red and pink). At the end of its monologue, it seemed to laugh. I didn’t like the laugh since it appeared smugly to me. After that, somebody assisted me to lay down into my bed. The hooded being was standing next to my bed, and our surrounding had been normalized again.
Although I have managed to recover many missing pieces of my past, I feel like I have only covered the tip of the iceberg. To make things worse, my memories are mostly fragmentarily and I don’t remember details such as the content of conversations or the events which took place in “the other rooms” outside of the apartment. These blackouts can be quite frustrating. Yet, some elements tend to emerge from time to time, as displayed within this flashback:
I’m lying on a table. From my position, I can see about half a dozen Gray beings standing around the table. They seem to be occupied with an action they are performing at the lower part of my body, presumably at the level of my upper feet. The whole room is filled with a bright yellow light which has a dominating orange shade. It strains my eyes as I try to open them. At the same moment, some of the Grays are beginning to look in my direction. It seems as they are slightly surprised to see me awake. I don’t know if I’m trying to move. The light is glistening on their skin. Two or three Grays get ready to take care for the problem. The two of them which are standing aside of my head bend over to look me in the eyes. One of them finally takes over and performs the action. Blackout. I have feeling that something had gone wrong because I had temporary gained too much consciousness.
Lately, I’ve been trying to develop strategies which should help me to overcome my fears during an abduction. For example, I tried to envision an abduction scenario and thought about several alternative reactions. During that time, I had a particular dream which could have been influenced by them. It was night, and I just got up. I was standing in my room, and suddenly, a Gray being appeared out of nowhere. I was immediately filled with fear and subsided to the floor. However, I managed to pull myself up and greeted him, since he seemed familiar to me. I then asked: “Are you going to take me with you?” and: “Do we have to go now?” He just said: “No.” He bent over me, and I had the chance to look at him. I stood up and awoke a few minutes later.
I’ve been experimenting with astral projection and had planned and spontaneous experiences with that too. There are apparitions which i consider to exist at that aspect of reality which sometimes can be perceived or even manifest themselves „here“. Nevertheless, i consider the aliens to be biological beings which are more connected with that higher aspects of reality and have the ability to perceive and access its features much more than we do, as part of their nature and by the use of technology too. There is a quote from author and researcher Preston Dennet I like much, stating that aliens are people like us, only different. I have an longtime urge to deal with all these aspects surrounding alien abduction and to share because it seems important that we learn and evolve from it and it will play an important part in our future.